The book, Avoiding Capture, was developed through years of experience, failures, and successes. Mr. Oshman tried many classic "tricks" to make his relationships meaningful, and fulfilling. But, unfortunately, many of these "tricks" were no more than lies and deception. He found it quite easy to fall into traps of dishonesty to oneself, and to one's partner. Fear of exposure, ridicule, rejection, and anger are just a few of the motivating factors that often support these deceptions. And an hour or two of television definitely puts the icing on the cake... a cake that is hollow, and tasteless.
Is it possible to love deeply and be embraced by intimacy's arms without surrendering your values and truths? Can relationships continue to grow even when a partner wants to run out the back door? Can a committed long-term relationship have a new beginning every day? Is it indeed possible that all relationships can be fluid and move to the "next level" (whatever that is!) on a daily basis?
In one word, YES!
The intention of this book is to empower you to have exceptional relationships and make your quality of life excellent. The secret to making this happen is waking up from the miasma of cultural romantic scripts that we believe and act out every day. Most of the fuel for current relationships is fear, not love. Intimacy without Surrender moves you out of fear into a permanent space of love, respect, and acceptance.
Try on this analogy for a moment. Most people breathe in a shallow, stressful pattern which barely gets air into their lungs. The result is lack of oxygen to the brain so they walk around kind of foggy and forgetful most of the time. If told to take a deep breath, most people suck air into their chest; whereas a truly deep breath is to breathe into their abdomen where the act of breathing has the most beneficial health benefit.
The rule is that whoever brought up the issue has the right to continue until it's officially resolved or diminished sufficiently so as to no longer have energy.
Trish and I understand the tendency of the partner to respond to a complaint with another complaint, or bring up a secondary issue. Thus we formulated the second rule of engagement.
We acknowledge the issue but we also respect that the secondary complaint now has to wait until this first issue is finished.
If your partner makes a mean statement, avoid responding by saying I wouldn't say that to you, why should you say it to me? I wouldn't do that to you, why do you do it to me? I wouldn't lie to you, why do you lie to me?
Even if the comparison were true, it's not valid during controversy. Your demand is that your partner be exactly like you are, and they're not. So, give it up. Forget about it.
Avoid comparison of behavior or standards during an engagement or a conflict.
Accept the fact that we all work with different priorities and have different standards and ways of doing things. If you have, in fact, established an intimate relationship with another person, those differences are not so glaring or so pronounced that they're going to interfere with you continuing in the relationship.
So, respect the differences and stop comparing.
And Throwing Up the Past?
"So David," you ask, "what about when my partner keeps throwing the past in my face?"
Typically, one partner mentions a certain event or series of events that they recall more times than necessary. Yep, I mean your partner throws it in your face. To top it off, the event may not even be relevant to your conversation. Recalling the event elicits anger and frustration.
If you can't get past an acknowledgment and agreement on the event, go no further in the fight. Example:
"You stepped on my toe in 1976, and I had to limp for months."
"No, I did not step on your toe. You stubbed it on the brick."
"I was there. I remember. It was my toe..."
"Stop. I call a truce."
There, one of you with a sense of the rules of engagement stops. There's no reason to go any further in the process. Agree that the toe was hurt. The past is gone; that past event has no relevance to the present.
What does matter is the anger and emotional intensity brought up by the one with the sore toe. Incidents of the past are always about the emotions, not the event.
Don't Short-Circuit the Process.
Now, this next part is critical. What defuses unsuccessfully a lot of engagements is if the partner asks forgiveness and apologizes too quickly. Don't do this partner!
Why not? It produces no effective resolution in that the victim has not uncovered the root feelings that they need to express from this particular past event. Remember that this conversation is not about the event, but about emotions and feelings. The one who throws up the past really needs to get to the root feelings.
If you apologize and kiss the booboo, the anger is still present. Love your partner enough to hear the deeper aspects of the anger. What's behind the anger?
The real emotional issue, as we know, is not anger, but it might be a feeling of betrayal, hurt feelings, or insecurity. Find the source, get to those feelings first. Express it, acknowledge it.
Once there's sufficient time for expression, then the perpetrator can say: "I understand and I really do apologize, not only for the past event but also for the present hurt feelings."
This is important: If you apologize only for event or the anger around the event, you're never apologizing for what needs to be apologized for-mostly, hurting your partner's feelings, disappointing your partner, or not meeting the needs of your partner, justified or not justified.
The message, and what it contains, is NOT the problem. It should never be diagnosed as the source of the trouble.
It is the pain or distress that is experienced by the partner hearing the message that is the problem, and should be the primary focus.
So instead of engaging in a monkey dance (you KNOW what that is already) about how you "didn't mean this" or "did mean that", it is much more effective to communicate that there is a true empathy and sorrow for the pain that your loved one is feeling.
No retraction or excuses are necessary. I feel that they are condescending and disrespectful. Try saying (and meaning) something like, "Honey, I sincerely apologize for causing you hurt and pain. Please understand that is not my intention. I love you. (Look for my second book, most likely a syrupy romantic novel!).
I call this my "24 hour rule". This ranks amongst the top relationship savers for many couples!
It's quite simple, but marvelously effective!
If either of us feels disappointed, angry, violated, disrespected, ignored, abandoned or any of the other myriads of feelings that we feel on a daily basis, based on a specific behavior or event from our partner, we have up to 24 hours to express the feelings to our partner.
That's it! No more time! No stored resentments! No secret weapons to use at a later day. Either express it and go through it, or leave it. Yes, as if it never happened.
This is not as difficult as it sounds, but it does require courage and commitment.
As does life!
• Abide by the 24 Hour Rule.
• Continue to share honestly, even when it hurts!
• Change patterns of physical interaction often. Even if the habit is working, change it anyway.
• Share ideas and fantasies freely and openly. Be willing to discuss the feelings of insecurity and threats that this poses.
• Be willing to accept that your partner is not the "be all, and end all." Understand and accept that it is impossible for one single person to satisfy all of your needs and desires.
• Celebrate differences.
• Work at being wrong!
• If you have developed a pattern of dishonesty in the relationship... experiment with honesty with someone else (not another potential lover, please). Get suggestions on the pace of correction, and renewal!
• Stop comparing your relationship to others, or to those presented in the media. There is no relevancy!
• Continue to make love, even through periods of stress and discomfort.
• If at any time you feel that you are being "captured" or your autonomy and/or "self" is being compromised, be willing to share this with your partner. Be prepared for defense and some contention, but always get back to expressing the feelings, not justifying them!
• Consider establishing "rituals" within your daily routine with your partner. These tend to create continuity and comfort even through "dry" periods. This is critical!
• Eliminate lies and deception from your intimate relationship! Understand, and apply that any lie (even by omission) will weaken your foundation, and undermine your intimacy. Truth might appear to strain a relationship, but lies make it meaningless and empty. There is no exception to this!
• Whenever possible (and appropriate), engage in public displays of affection. Similar to making marriage vows public, these experiences tend to endorse and reinforce the bond of the relationship.
• Don't confuse value, commitment, and transient feelings. Feelings are fluid, but the relationships require integrity and loyalty.
• When you're happy, laugh! And when you're sad, cry! ALL with your partner!
• Play often with your partner.
Finally, if you are stuck within yourself and unclear as to the next step, remember RULE 62: Don't take yourself and everything else so damned seriously.
Many of us tend to overanalyze, overreact, create dramas and try to control circumstances and other people. As a result, we scare ourselves, and end up feeling trapped and suffocated. RULE 62 to the rescue - surrender to the humor of it all.
This cartoon is easy to understand! We talk about wanting freedom and feeling good about ourselves and our partners, but we often unwittingly drag years of negative feelings and experiences with us. We are captives!
OK, fess up guys (and girls)! How many times have you been laying in bed with your sweetheart, and had a sudden "inspiration" to be totally "naughty"? Many, I bet! But because of insecurity, or bashfulness, or fear of rejection, you keep these delicious inspirations to yourself. Shame on you! Your partner probably is thinking the same thing!
Classic gender differentiation. Neither of these visual interpretations are wrong... they are just very different. And once acknowledged by both partners, this can, and should, be cause for celebration!
Boys and girls... here is the sign of true love! When we see the truth, rather than an ideal, we have arrived! When we accept our partner for who and what they are, both physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually, we have developed a foundation of TRUE INTIMACY!
This is the cartoon that is on the cover of the book, Avoiding Capture. Many people upon first hearing the title assume that the book is an instruction manual on how to avoid intimacy. This is totally wrong! As a matter of fact, the book will give you practical guidance on how to make your relationships more intimate, satisfying, and committed! The "capturing" is done by false ideas, unrealistic expectations, and contrived and unfounded images and stories about how "true love" should look, and feel! Many of us are "captured" by these errors, and try desperately to make our relationships "fit" this romantic ideal! We are pressured, chastised, warned, artificially inspired, and duped by the media... both on television and the cinema. And, let's not forget the thousands of "love songs" that create an expectation that can never be reached, and, really shouldn't!
This cartoon, reflects in very succinct terms the nature of a truly intimate relationship. Notice that the feelings of each partner are very defined, and is being expressed completely. They are holding hands, and supporting each other NOT to change, or to be "fixed", but to be loved and accepted just as they are! Note also that there is NO dialogue. Words very often confuse and distract intimate experiences. Both these partners are displaying genuine trust, affection, respect, understanding, empathy, and true love, without compromise! We don't need to be fixed, or corrected... we need only to be loved, and feel that love!
Chapter 1 - The Seduction of Deception
We identify our past errors in our approach to choosing our mate and maintaining our relationship(s).
Introduction
Chapter 1: The Seduction of Deception
We identify our past errors in our approach to choosing our mate and maintaining our relationship(s).
Chapter 2: Possibilities and Potential in Relationships
We consider alternative approaches and perspectives that might improve the quality of our relationships, AND our lives.
Chapter 3: The Struggle for True Intimacy
We make a commitment to work at improving those relationship(s) in spite of the difficulties and challenges involved.
Chapter 4: To Know Another, Know Thyself
We make an honest personal assessment of ourselves, including our nature and our own priorities in life.
Chapter 5: The Value of Honesty and Openness
We share our new perspectives and discoveries with person(s) that we trusted, in order to gain further insights.
Chapter 6: Out with the Old, In with the NEW
We are entirely ready to give up the behaviors and false ideas that created our difficulties.
Chapter 7: A New Outlook for Intimacy
We give up those old ideas and apply new ideas and more realistic expectations in our relationships.
Chapter 8: Learning from our Mistakes
We review and list all of the compromises that we had made, both to others and ourselves in our relationships.
Chapter 9: The Principles of Intimacy and Maintenance
We correct old patterns, and create and apply new techniques to enhance the intimacy of our relationships.
Chapter 10: Continuing our Daily Growth
We continue to take personal inventory and when we are wrong, promptly admit it, always correcting what we are able.
Chapter 11: Never Standing Still in a Relationship
We continue to seek personal growth for ourselves, and for our partner(s) in all relationships.
Chapter 12: Spreading Joy and Intimacy throughout Your World!
Having redefined and improved our primary relationship(s), we expand the principles to all of our relationships, and continue our journey of love, honesty and intimacy.
Chapter 13: Intimacy in Review
Bad memory? Join the club! Here are the major points, concepts and methods of rescuing and enhancing your relationships.