Chapter 1 - The Seduction of Deception
We identify our past errors in our approach to choosing our mate and maintaining our relationship(s).
My Wake-up Call
The following experience was instrumental in changing the course of my life so drastically that it was threatening and horrifying to everyone around me. They thought I had taken leave of my senses, which I probably had.
Marie Jo was my wife, business partner, confidante and most everything else for the sixteen years of our marriage. I confess, for a while I even considered her my "other half" (shame on me!). We were a wonderful match in the fulfilling years of our marriage. Then I had one of those defining moments of awareness that altered the course of my life and hers.
Numbed Out
Marie Jo and I had completed an exhaustive shopping experience at Stop and Shop in York, Pennsylvania. We strutted toward our gleaming Mercedes SUV with two brimming carts of groceries. We were among the many middle-aged people living a life of excess and feeling very comfortable doing it. Reaping what we had sown, we had both worked hard, and this was apparently one of the benefits. But was it?
The nearly full moon glowed on this summer evening at 7:30 PM. We continued pushing our grocery carts to our car that was about one hundred yards away, and she was talking at me.
I must confess that I have no idea what she was telling me. By that point we had been together sixteen years, and there was so little diversity or change in our relationship and perspectives, that no doubt what she was saying had been said many times before. So I naturally and comfortably tuned her out.
Suddenly, without reason, I stopped walking. Marie Jo didn't notice, and kept pushing her cart. Amazingly and predictably she continued talking, not even noticing that I wasn't there. She continued her monologue until she reached the car.
In The Blink of an Eye
At that moment, I had a significant "out of body experience." A sudden awareness. An epiphany. Having been drug and alcohol free for a number of years, I couldn't blame this experience on that!
Floating above myself, I literally saw myself standing in the parking lot in York, Pennsylvania. I saw Marie Jo continue talking at me. I saw the carts full of groceries and it seemed peculiar, unsettling and surreal. People scurrying around leading what suddenly seemed like meaningless and pointless lives! And I was one of them. Yipes!
The Cosmic Question
As I fully experienced this vision, a cosmic question entered my mind. This is a question that was unexpected, but totally relevant: "David, if you could place yourself anywhere in this world, with anybody to be attached to and in a relationship with, would it be here, with her? In other words, given the clear choice, would I be doing exactly what I was doing at this particular moment?
I was stunned to hear an answer echoing from the core my being. "No." was the profound answer, with no equivocation.
These twenty seconds felt like an eternity. Finally, after Marie Jo opened the car trunk and started loading groceries, she realized that I wasn't there with her, listening to her story.
"David, what's wrong?"
"Everything is wrong." I responded.
"What do you mean, David?"
"Marie Jo, everything here is wrong; there is nothing right here."
What's Crucial?
I was totally unprepared and confused by my thoughts and feelings. And MJ was even more so, of course. But I instinctively knew that I had discovered something vitally important to me, and I needed to hold onto it.
"It is critical that I don't let this go. What's crucial is that my life and experiences have taken me to exactly where I am, and I don't want to be here, and I don't want to be with you," I blurted out, shamefully.
"Wow, are you having a bad day or something?" MJ asks kindly. "Did I do something wrong?"
"I know what I'm saying doesn't make any sense at all. I have to think about it some more, but I know that this is not the life I would be living if I'd been given the choice. You know, Marie Jo, I do have the choice, and a responsibility."
That was the beginning of the end of my relationship with Marie Jo. Six months from that day we were officially separated and we were moving smartly towards a divorce. Subsequently, Marie Jo became my ex-wife, and then my best friend.
Making Drastic Changes
I changed my life: where I was, who I was with, and how I was doing things. Even my values and goals seemed to change instantaneously. A fine madness, but quite scary!
In hindsight, and in mentoring others through similar life experiences, my take on this whole thing is that there was really no shift; no sudden shift, anyway. More likely, I had changed perceptions years before, and was unable or unwilling to acknowledge it. Even more likely, I had needs and desires that I never knew about. A man in his mid-forties! Feeling and acting like a teenager! Sound familiar?
"The only charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception necessary for both parties" - Oscar Wilde
Fear of Change
I sensed that aspects of my life were wrong, or at least, not right. However, I lacked the courage or the personal commitment and responsibility to do anything about it. The fear of change was a limiting force at that time, more than I cared to admit.
I could not acknowledge that the life I was living, the person I was, the woman I was married to, and many of the choices I'd made (or didn't make) to that point were neither adequate nor reflective of my true nature. I held myself captive to a fantasy for years, and now I felt totally alone, but finally myself. A worthy trade!
Over time, I've observed that many people go through similar feelings, and this book is a result of my desire to move you, dear reader, from captivity to freedom within your intimate relationships. I will explain to you how to have true intimacy without surrendering you. I will give you a clue even at this early stage... the captor is you!
"He valued emotion - not for itself, but because it is the only final path to intimacy." - Edward Morgan Forster
Your Wake Up Call
In the mentoring and counseling that I do through AA, fitness training and other groups who are looking for life-improvement through self discovery, I often see people walking around, muttering quietly, "Feed me," knowing that they are unfulfilled. They look spiritually hungry and intellectually under-challenged. Their heads are down, their emotions numb. They also sense that something is missing, but can't quite figure out what was lost.
"Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light." - Dylan Thomas, author, Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night
Dylan Thomas talks about raging against the dark night of death; he alludes to NOT living quiet desperate lives, captured and unknowing. The wake-up call hasn't yet unleashed the freedom seeker, the wild one, the rebel, the knower. You do have a restless one, waiting to be freed!
Have you ever imagined the ferocious and untamed animal within yourself growling, yelling, jumping and kicking to break through your miasma? Yet, on the outside, you maintain the calm, unanimated freeze.
Your untamed animal wants to come out, play and yell and scream. Can it even climb to the surface of your consciousness?
Leap-Free Quiz
1. What is your wild, untamed animal inside?
2. Does it feel emotionally starved?
3. Or intellectually hungry?
4. Perhaps spiritually muffled?
5. On a scale of 1 to 10 - how tightly have you gagged the animal's expression?
6. Are you willing to let the wild animal express?
Beware! Once you discover your true nature and your real passions, it is difficult, if not impossible, to go back! They'll never again fit in a square, small box.
Leap Free
There's a joyous human being inside you trying to get out, yet locked in by ideas of limitation, a bruised ego from the past, or lack of self-confidence. Imagine totally un-restraining the captured one and admonishing, "Go, dance and make merriment." What glorious freedom!
Read on... that freedom is yours.
Struggling for Your Freedom
Each of us recognizes when something isn't right within us or our relationships. For a while, you might distract yourself with "CNN," "I Love Lucy" or another comedy or drama. Perhaps a few rounds of golf or a hot bubble bath relaxes the gut level discomfort momentarily. You sufficiently distract yourself from truth, which temporarily lets you off the hook. It's a shame. We like to keep up appearances far beyond the time that the deeper reality starts pulling at us. Here are a few examples of deeper truth tugging at my friends.
Stories of Spiritual Repression
• "For years, Lee and I agreed I would get my doctorate after he finished law school. As soon as he graduated, he said to me, 'Well, one doctorate is enough in the family. Let's have kids now.' I felt like he jerked my chain." -Miriam, age 32, married 4 years.
• "I felt like Alana hit me in the gut when she said that having children would ruin her career. We'd waited eleven years for her to hit that career pinnacle, and then retire. Now she says, 'No way?' Right... no way, or her way." -Joseph, age 37, married thirteen years.
• "I knew when Chris had an affair with his secretary. How did I know? I sensed it, felt it, pushed it away, but the thoughts would creep back in." -Lucy, age 27, married six years.
Moments of Choice
Don't push away such feelings as "sensed it, hit to the gut, jerked around, or creeping thoughts" because they might very well be clarity. Recognize them clearly. I believe that everyone has these moments when we recognize the deeper truth lurking within, but few choose to acknowledge or act on them.
Yet, the deeper truths of these feelings don't go away and will keep nagging the one who wants to experience freedom, truth, or new insight. That's you, oh drowning one. Come on up for a breath of fresh air!
We are given ample opportunities to face our feelings and ourselves. A lot of people wait for a near-death experience or some catastrophe. All of the sudden, their perceptions shift and their priorities change. Unexpectedly, life itself becomes more precious; everyday seems as the potential "final day." As a result, people make abrupt shifts.
Can Changes Be Made Without Crisis?
Imagine if you could make those shifts without calamity, without experiencing a significant loss in health, relationships, or occupations.
Consider that you could make changes by mere choice.
Hoo-hah. Freedom, here I am!
Embrace this concept. Grab onto it, and give it value. Let it be a motivator for change, for improvement.
You can voluntarily seize the moment and take the first step out of captivity!
They made an engaging looking couple in the swank restaurant: The man was handsome, graying and obviously well off; the woman was a joy to any eye - very young, ravishing and delectable.
As they each read their menus, the gentleman asked his date what she would like to eat. She scanned the menu yet again, and said, "To begin, I'll have two champagne cocktails, then a dozen oysters on the half shell and a tureen of turtle soup.
As entrees I'll have the filet of English sole followed by pheasant under glass, plus an a la carte order of asparagus tips.
For dessert, they may just bring the cart.
Somewhat surprised not only by her appetite, but by the cost of all of this, he asked, "Tell me. Do you eat this well at home too?"
"Well, no..." she admitted,
"But no one at home wants to sleep with me either."
Distractions or Clarity
Our attention and focus are controlled by needs, challenges, and threats because life is filled with distractions and many too many silly stories. Without warning or reason, at some point in your life, those distractions momentarily cease and then you recognize truth. You can see clearly in that moment. Through the piercing of the veil, you unmistakably know the flaw in your life. You sense it. You cannot deny it. Somehow you know it.
We're faced with the realization of our bad decisions, our mortality, lost dreams, or inadequate life preparation and celebration.
More than anything, we have to admit that we're ultimately responsible for the quality and value of our own lives. We are not leaves blowing in the wind. We are responsible for who and what and where we are, and how our life is "playing out."
Seeing Clearly
This kind of eye-opener is like being on a trip with a clear set of directions. You have a road map and it tells you exactly on which road you should be traveling. You are following the map, when out of the blue you feel queasy and know that you are not in the right place.
• Your knowing defies your logic.
• Worse, you realize you're NOT headed where you want to go.
• Moreover, you're not even sure of your destination anymore and question the journey itself.
I assure you that people of all ages have these wake-up calls. "Hey you, imprisoned one, wake-up! The prison door is open."
Wake-up calls are opportunities to re-examine and review, and then take responsibility.
My belief is that personal freedom cannot grow beyond personal responsibility. The more people that learn to be fully accountable for their lives, the more freedom each of us can enjoy and the more fulfilling all of our lives will be. - Reed Konsler
Another Story
ill's moment of clear seeing happened about six months into her marriage to her doctoral professor, Leonard. Their dating evolution was classic: a whirlwind courtship of romance, long conversations over wine, lingering sunsets, weekends hiking and sharing childhood memories. They discussed the mistakes of their previous marriages over expensive dinners. Life felt so good, they were certain that they were a cosmic match.
They married.
Over the next several months, Jill discovered that her new husband didn't want any children, and she'd dreamed of having a house full. To make matters worse, Leonard had a new book deadline for his publisher and spent weekends writing. Jill felt alone. Jill was alone!
No problem, she thought. Life happens and we'll adjust, and eventually he'll change his mind. But he didn't. Jill started getting headaches and asked herself continuously, "What am I doing wrong? Am I too young for him? Where did the romance go?"
One morning, as they both left for work, Leonard planted the customary kiss on Jill's cheek, got in his car and drove to the university. Jill collapsed into tears against the side of her car, realizing that she created so many unsupported expectations about her marriage. Jill and Leonard never really met! They shared fantasy scripts about how life should be, but never really knew each other.
Mental Prisons are Limitations
Jill's mind created a fantasy marriage of the ever-attentive husband. Leonard created a picture of the understanding wife who let him work and kept herself busy presumably making her happy and comfortable. Each felt their reality was valid, and each was disappointed.
We can learn a lot from this. Like Jill and Leonard, we create a story around a relationship in order to give it validity. We then believe these pictures in our head. The mind habitually creates limitations and definitions of events, mostly filled with false meaning ...all of which become our scripts for intimacy.
Knowing the Problem vs. Finding the Solution
The pictures of fantasies are real to us, and in fact, become our prison. Mind convinces us that thoughts are the substance of your relationship. This is not true. Read that most important statement again to insure you get this ticket to the freedom train. Thoughts are NOT the substance of your relationship.
When you are captured and the romantic notions don't play out the way you expect, you naturally blame whoever you're with. However, if you dump this partner, you'll find another with the same faults because you have the same pictures in your head. No one wants to repeat this pattern, right? Read on, and I'll show you how find the true happiness you desire in love. You deserve it! And you can have it!
A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error. "I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right." He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first. "I'm wrong," she said. With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!"
Afterglow--Points to Remember
• Each of us has a choice about how we choose to live life, and we are responsible for our choices (or lack of) and their outcomes.
• Start with a serious look at how the fear of change may be running your life or keeping you from making the changes you need to make.
• Discern whether you are a captive of a fantasy that hides the true self?
• Everyone has moments of clarity when we recognize the deeper truth lurking within, but few choose to acknowledge or act on them.
• Are you willing, in this moment, to choose freedom?
• Our attention and focus are controlled by needs, challenges, and threats because life is filled with distractions and many too many silly stories.
• Mostly, we have to admit that we're ultimately responsible for the quality and value of our own lives.
• Thoughts are NOT the substance of your relationship
• Wake-up calls are opportunities to re-examine and review, and then take responsibility through different choices.